Spank You Very Much
by Nora Salisbury
Summary: A heated existential discussion between Megamind and Roxanne gets out of hand, leaving the villain thinking he should leave Roxanne out of the game, much to her dismay.


_Ollo my fellow MegaRox 'shippers!_

_At first I didn't put notes on this one, but I thought about it and it is interesting where inspiration comes from sometimes._

_I am sad to think about how this story came about, since my partner of 23 years passed away 3-14-2014. But this story came out of a fight between us. Nothing serious, just snarking really ... worst of it was her chucking a Tylenol bottle at my head and me slamming her laptop closed, and a pulled punch to my arm resulted in her getting bopped with a roll of paper towels. Really soft ones. But she made it sound like it was the worst thing in the world. So it got me thinking what if Roxanne did something physical and he responded in kind? It all came flowing pretty easy, I looked at it as a good way to work through my behavior that day to improve it. I was on a writing jag the night before her heart attack so she got one last good long sleep feeling safe because I was sitting there nearby and she got the peaceful death in her sleep she hoped for, and I nearly finished it then. It was more than two weeks before I could look at the story again to finish it, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Hope you like it._

Roxanne lifted her head as sensation began to fill her aching mind again. None of it was pleasant right now. The smell of that damn bag. The sound of brainbots bowging as they fought over a wrench that clattered loudly against the floor, echoing off the walls of the cavernous lair. Then the bag was whipped off and she was met with the sight of that smug blue face. Maybe it was because it was that time of month when "Aunt Flow" came to visit, maybe it was because she'd gotten almost no sleep because of an obnoxious neighbor having a loud party half the night, or maybe it was because her boss had just been such a royal pain lately, but at this particular moment, she had no patience for those smirking blue lips and sardonically arched black eyebrows and those smoldering green eyes boring into her. If she weren't tied up she would just get up and go home, she was NOT in the mood to play today.

"Miss Ritchi … we meet again." Megamind's voice was still the same honey-dripping purr it always was when he was putting on a show for his favorite nosy reporter, but she didn't want to hear it.

"Must we?" she sighed raggedly.

Megamind laughed. "Well, good day to you, too, Sunshine. Who spit in your cornflakes?" His giddy grin grated on her nerves.

"YOU!" she snapped. "I am not up for your crap today."

His grin dissipated into a scowl. "I'm afraid you don't have much choice," he sniffed indignantly, "up or down, you're just going to have to take my 'crap' and like it! Besides … you need me. If it weren't for my e-vil career, your career would consist of doing a makeup blog on youtube!" He knew his insult had hit home, he could hear her teeth grinding.

"Ohhhh, if only my hands weren't tied, I would just slap that goatee right off your face!" she spat.

The infuriating smile returned. "So sorry to deprive you of the pleasure of touching me, my dear." His evil cackle as he turned to the control panel made her so mad she was determined to wipe that smile off his face somehow.

Then she had an inspiration. Even though her ankles were tied together, they weren't tied to the chair. She used the toes of one foot to slip the back of the other foot's shoe off her heel and then aimed a kick at him. The shoe flew true and smacked him squarely in the side of the head, heel first.

"HAA! BULLSEYE!" she crowed, grinning maniacally, "But then, it's such a HUGE target, how could I miss?"

Megamind turned to face her slowly, eyes wide with disbelief at what had just transpired. His hand gripped the spot that stung and caused tears to burn unshed behind his eyes. He pulled his hand away to see the leather palm slick with blood. Just for a moment he was back in school, enduring the pummeling of dodgeballs thrown by Wayne Scott and the other cruel students. How their derisive comments had hurt even more than the physical pain when one of the balls Wayne had lobbed directly at his face had bloodied his nose. ("Ha! I'm surprised he doesn't bleed green!" "Careful, don't touch it, it might burn like acid!") He felt heat creep up his neck and lick around his face as a lifetime of repressed rage boiled over. He strode over to stand before her and seemed to be attempting to convey the details of his psychological pain with the power of his glare.

Roxanne gasped when she saw the small cut her heel had left near his temple. She knew it looked more serious than it really was, because head wounds tend to bleed a lot but it was already clotting from the brief amount of pressure he'd put on it. Nevertheless, she immediately felt terrible for her outburst. She also felt the weight of his gaze on her and nervously wondered if she'd gone too far. Usually the worst case scenario was that he looked annoyed with her … this time he looked truly angry.

Megamind was a bit angry, but partially with himself for being in a situation he didn't know how to handle smoothly, leaving him feeling awkward and ridiculous. She did that to him all the time! He wanted to put a stop to that once and for all. "Miss Ritchi," he said in clipped tones, "you have always been a less than cooperative hostage, but this is beyond the pale!" His mind grasped at straws, until a piece of American pop culture offered a solution. He didn't want to hurt her, and had passed on the idea of slapping her across the face as she had threatened to do to him despite seeing men do it to keep women in line in a lot of old movies, but recalled seeing Ricky Ricardo do something to his wife Lucy in an old TV show and felt it was fairly mild, but would get her attention. He picked her up off the chair and slung her over his knee. "This should teach you some manners, Missy!"

Roxanne was stunned by the new position she found herself in, and suddenly yelped in surprise as she felt an open gloved hand land repeatedly on her posterior. It didn't hurt really, in fact she was astonished to feel a pleasant tingling between her legs. But in the mood she was in, this only served to enrage her, internally at herself but externally, Megamind was about to learn what a wildcat he was tangling with.

"HOW DARE YOU HIT ME!" she shrieked viciously as she twisted free, her loud and sudden ire startling him into loosening his grip and she landed back on the chair. NOW her backside ached from the sound thump onto the solid metal seat. "If I EVER get my hands on you I will knock you back into space!"

_UH OH … that was a miscalculation on my part_. The confused alien pulled his booted foot down from the edge of the chair. The way she looked just then he feared she might chew right through the leather. Lucy had squawked a little but had been properly submissive in the face of her punishment. He was embarrassed and tried to put his actions in a less harsh light.

"Ohhh … I wasn't hurting you. Just a … playful swat!" He crossed his arms defensively and bade her "Calm down, Camille!" just as Minion entered the room, alarmed by the angry yelling he'd heard from the kitchen. The brainbots had passed him on the way, so agitated they were all heading for hiding places.

_Hoo boy … really Sir? TV should have taught you by now that the quickest way to upset a female is to tell her to calm down! _The fish shook back and forth in his liquid dorm, wondering what had set this mess of dominoes in motion.

Roxanne swung her head toward the henchman. "I'm gonna kill him, Minion!" she growled.

Megamind was losing his composure quickly. He had no idea how to make this better and something in him said the only thing he could do was retreat to keep himself from continuing to make things worse. "MINION!" he bellowed, pointing at his captive, "Get this infernal woman out of my sight! Take her home, NOW!" He punctuated this last word with a petulant stamp of his foot and left the room so quickly he could have been channeling his nemesis' super-speed.

"Little blue jerk." Roxanne grumbled as she heard a door slam and turned back to a nervous Minion. "OK fish-face … you can blindfold me or put me in the trunk, but if I even see you reach for a spray can I will make sure YOU end up in a can! Got it?"

Minion had never bobbed his body up and down so rapidly in his entire life.

Leaning against his bedchamber door, the contrite blue man attempted to calm himself with even breathing. He held up his hand and stared at it, witnessing it shaking slightly and wondering _how can something capable of building such brilliant objects of mayhem … oh of course, that's it … causing mayhem is what they do best. And they have secretly been wanting to lay themselves upon that luscious, curvacious derriere for years … just got carried away. But I've blown it now. Not that I ever had any chance of touching her outside of 'work' but … after this she'll probably move to another city. Or country. *SIGH* I will forever be alone. And I deserve to be. I STRUCK my precious Roxanne. _The gravity of what he'd done weighed him down and he slumped to the floor.

Over the next few weeks Roxanne became increasingly baffled by the lack of interaction with Metro City's resident aliens. Her job and her life had been going smoothly, so uneventful in fact that she found herself bored to tears. She spent a lot of her free time playing the events of her last visit to the evil lair over in her mind and feeling foolish. She had overreacted and she knew it. She kept telling herself that he was just making her wait to throw her off, maybe as punishment for ruining his plans that day, or maybe he was working on an extra-special evil plot to really knock her socks off. But the more time that went by, the less likely these things seemed. This afternoon she was sitting in the news van on her lunch break, cheek resting on her fist, absently picking the blue cheese chunks out of her salad and periodically releasing a frustrated huff. She was only just beginning to admit to herself that as much as she complained that his insistence on involving her in his nefarious activities was an annoyance that upset her schedule, she had a lot of fun sparring verbally with him._ He may be just a little crazy … but aren't we all sometimes? And … dammit, I actually miss the squirrely blue goof. _The realization that she missed Megamind's company but didn't miss Metro Man so much was sobering. The "good guy" was boring, and the "bad guy" was fun. She had not yet allowed herself to consciously embrace the thought that she'd prefer to spend some time with him doing something that wouldn't end with Wayne interrupting them, for the time being that fact nestled down in her subconscious mind.

Suddenly her expression brightened and she straightened up in her seat. She had hit upon an idea to bait him into including her in the game once again. Pleased with herself, she wolfed down her salad as she wrote her next special report in her head.

The next morning Roxanne prepared for the report that would hopefully be a red cape waved in front of a blue bull. She smoothed out her beige pencil skirt and straightened the collar on a light pink blouse, looking professional and with the choice of pastel color subliminally radiating a sense of renewal, a new beginning. She reflected on how Megamind had looked just before putting her over his knee. At the time she only saw the anger, but in retrospect she realized it had been tempered with a fair amount of hurt as well. They had traded emotional barbs for a long time but never added injury to insult. She had no way of knowing that sorrow was compounded by the fact that until that day, she'd been the only Earthling who he'd thought wouldn't go out of their way to abuse him physically.

She had resolved to bait Megamind by questioning his courage without humiliating him completely. She didn't want to imply that he was a toothless old tiger to be mocked; he had to be respected as a potential threat to public safety or his whole act would be blown out of the water. She outlined for those who may not have noticed that she had not been kidnapped in weeks, and added that she had confirmed with authorities that he had not been seen elsewhere either.

She summarized with "Yes, it seems that the heretofore ineffectual villain of Metro City has finally grown weary of losing. He has apparently gone into hiding to avoid being beaten to a pulp by our hero, Metro Man, and ultimately returned to his jail cell. Evil has been subdued for the time being." She fixed the camera with a serious gaze and addressed the populace. "But … for how long? Will he return to cause more trouble, or has he chickened out permanently? This reporter will not rest until I can assure the good people of this city that they need fear no more, and will continue to keep the citizens informed of any new developments."

As she signaled her cameraman to cut she thought about how Megamind might view this latest taunt. Being called a loser and a chicken should be enough to make him challenge her moxie, especially since she was also intimating that she would further investigate … if he wouldn't come to her, she'd find him if she had to comb every inch of the city.

"Fire." The morose drawl from the bored villain provided the key element of the question to the Final Jeopardy answer, which had been "In Kipling's 'The Jungle Books,' this was called 'the red flower' and was feared by all the beasts of the jungle." When Alex Trebek asked for the reveal of one contestant's question, it read 'What is blood?' An incredulous sputter preceded the intellectual's resulting rant. "Oh, yes moron, all the beasts of the jungle feared BLOOD, and all the carnivores starved to death, the end! THINK, man!" Long blue fingers massaged his aching temples, he swore watching these game shows was killing brain cells, but nevertheless he'd settled into a routine of watching the Game Show Network to give the survivors a modicum of exercise. At least it kept his compulsion to watch the news at bay.

A timid knock on the door of his room brought him out of his funk to see Minion opening the door and peeking in. "Sir? I'm sorry to bother you but … I think you should see this." He scuttled over to the TV and switched to channel 8 just in time for Roxanne's summation.

Megamind perked up, his expression softening at the sight of Roxanne in her lovely Spring wardrobe. _That pink really brings out her rosy cheeks … _his heart leapt and then fell as he remembered the reason for his self-imposed exile had to do with her other set of cheeks. He focused on what she was saying now, eyes widening at the implications.

"You see, Sir?" Minion gestured at the screen helplessly. "We can't let the city think that you've just given up!"

"No … we certainly can't, Minion." Every brain cell was firing now, calculating his next move. Just then the news anchorwoman at the station had come on after Roxanne's report and mentioned that Metro Man would be officiating and performing at a talent show to benefit underprivileged youth that afternoon at the Metro City Conservatory of Music. Megamind's head tilted curiously. "How fortuitous." _Since when does that preening blowhard have any musical talent? _"Let us pay a visit to this event, my fine finny friend! If nothing else perhaps we can rescue the ears of the citizens from their 'hero'!"

Metro Man relaxed backstage in the huge auditorium of the Conservatory of Music that had been built with an endowment from the Scott family, primarily due to Wayne's urging his parents to "give something back" to those less fortunate. Lady Scott knew her spoiled son had a great fondness for music himself and encouraged Lord Scott to indulge him. It had been wonderful to see the response of the city's children who much preferred learning to play their favorite instruments and developing their voices over getting into trouble with individuals of questionable influence. Wayne himself was really enjoying honing his guitar playing ability, in fact he was probably the most excited about this event. True, he'd eagerly taken on the role of Metro City's protector, in the beginning he'd relished the opportunity to turn his domination of the weaker boy who'd escaped their galaxy's destruction at the same time he had into an easy, glamorous career that gave him what he craved most; being the center of attention. He'd often wondered over the years why Megamind hadn't just thrown in the towel, how long could someone continue to attempt the impossible simply to prove his detractors wrong? A small part of Wayne had noticed that the blue man seemed to be fixated on the driven reporter who'd made a name for herself documenting their power struggle, but since he was a tad slow on the uptake compared to the genius alien, he had decided that was primarily because Megamind assumed her to be romantically involved with him, and therefore the most logical choice for 'bait.' Wayne was actually happy to let people think what they wanted on this issue, it kept most of the Earth-born females at bay and he wasn't really interested in pursuing emotional entanglement with them anyway. Even Roxanne. He loved her like a sister, but no more than that. He could tell he wasn't her type either. She actually seemed fascinated by his rival, since she valued intelligence highly. He would swear she was amused by the quirky villain too, at least she got a kick out of being able to frustrate him so with her quick wit and brassy attitude.

Just then, as though summoned by his musings, Roxanne appeared with a cocky grin on display. "Hey, Big Boy! Ready for your big number?" She dug an elbow in his ribs playfully.

The blinding white grin nearly as big as a limo grill flashed her way. "Sure am, Roxy." She didn't really care for the truncated version of her name, so he only used it when she teased him first with the nickname that always made him think of the portly hamburger hawker with a similar hairdo, the feature that had inspired her use of it to begin with. "You're sure in a chipper mood today, that's good to see, considering you've been kinda mopey lately," he observed. "What's up with that?"

Roxanne looked like the cat that ate the canary. "Oh, I just have a feeling this day will be anything but boring."

Wayne looked at her with curious confusion, but decided he'd let her meaning be a surprise. His act was planned to be one too, he reflected, so he let it go.

An unassuming couple slipped through the halls of the learning annex on their way to the auditorium. The short well-dressed man looked agitated as he heard the show kicking off already. "Great shortcut of yours." He muttered sarcastically. "We should have been in there before now."

"It looked shorter on the map," the tall busty woman following him sighed patiently, as though she were used to being blamed for everything.

"We've been over this, maps don't show traffic or construction … augh, why do I waste my breath lecturing someone who perpetually has water in their ears?"

The woman rolled her soft brown eyes, a long-suffering expression of exasperation. "Have you even figured out what the plan is yet?"

The man's green eyes darted back and forth with worry. He was flying blind here. Not that he wasn't used to working off the cuff at times, but he was still off his game. "Just let me get a look at the lay of the land in there," he answered, "I'll let you know as soon as it comes to me." He slipped in the door and occupied the SRO section against the wall. He gazed around while his partner settled in next to him. _Plenty of room to move around in here, good _… He'd paid little attention to the MC 'til she announced Metro Man's opening act. Green eyes rolled nearly back into their skull as the hero postured and posed to play to his fans … cotton-headed ninnies.

Metro Man became that guy at every college who hypnotizes the duller girls with his guitar, and broke into a sloppy rendition of Jailhouse Rock, except after the first couple of verses, he started making up his own lyrics.

"Megamind's locked up in a dome  
No party for him, solitaire's his home  
Maybe they wouldn't have to put him there,  
If he'd quit tyin' Roxanne to that chair!"

Megamind was livid. He had never wanted to strike down the super-powered showboater more than at that moment. He shut off the control on his watch and his disguise dissolved along with his patience. "No more Mr. Nice Guy," he growled through gritted teeth. The jet pack he wore on his back in place of his cape blazed to life and he streaked upward and across the airspace near the ceiling. He pointed dramatically at the hero cavorting on the stage. "CEASE YOUR ASSAULT ON THE AUDITORY ORGANS!" Megamind roared, back to his old theatrical self.

_YYESSS!_ Roxanne's heart soared right along with him. Her plan had worked!

Megamind paused in midair, his eyes willfully gravitating to Roxanne. He saw a smile on her face fade into a practically playful challenge expression. However the playful edge wasn't as visible from a distance, and he saw defensive anger, thinking the smile must have been for her beau's performance. His heart withered and he forced himself to look away. The next thing he saw was a blond reporter about 20 feet behind Roxanne, looking appropriately terrified of his e-vil. He dove toward her and snatched her up like a hawk, veering to the back of the venue.

Roxanne's jaw fell as he passed her over, and her heart followed. It landed with a sickening thud as she saw his arms encircle that bottle blond bimbo. Her cameraman, Hal scrambled to follow the action since he too had expected Roxanne to be the target. She barely turned when the other newswoman let out a scream worthy of Elsa Lanchester.

_GAAAH! _Megamind tried to clear his hearing by shaking a finger in his ear. _Why exactly did I ever want my victim to scream? _He missed Roxanne in more ways than one. But he had little time to think about it. Just as he was dropping the woman for Minion to catch, pantomiming the knock-out spray, Metro Man simply turned on the super-speed and caught the woman halfway down and grabbed Megamind by the scruff on the way back down to the ground to release the reporter, who was already warming up to her understudy opportunity, playing up to the hero and dissing the villain.

Though Roxanne was trying not to look as despondent as she felt, her melancholy was not missed by one being still disguised as a human woman. _She had_ _expected to be back in the game_. He had suspected the report indicated she was prodding his friend on purpose, now he knew it. He slipped out as Metro Man flew off to return Megamind to the Warden's custody, trying to decide which breakout plan to try this time.

The next day being her day off, Roxanne sat home brooding over coffee in lounge pants and a T-shirt. It perturbed her no end, but she couldn't deny to herself that there'd been more to her upset the previous day than seeing a cut-rate reporter taking her spotlight. She felt … well it was ridiculous but the closest she could come to qualifying the feeling was jilted. Was she really jealous to see him touching another woman? It made no sense to her, but there it was. She mulled it over in her mind like a child contemplating philosophy. Technically it was made up of easy components, but putting it together and understanding the depth of it all was another matter.

A knock at the door was welcome for no other reason than it let her focus on something new for a bit. A peek through the peephole revealed an Amazonian blond whose large endowment looked comically huge in the fisheye lens. The off-duty reporter evaluated her visitor and cracked the door on its chain. "Yes?"

The woman bowed slightly to address Roxanne. "Miss Ritchi, may I speak to you … privately?" The brown eyes took in the wary eyes cast upon them. She sighed and looked either way down the hall to confirm they were alone, then twisted the face of her watch.

Roxanne gasped, startled by the woman tuning out like an old fashioned TV signal and suddenly being Minion standing there. His warm genuine smile flashed as he flipped his fins in greeting.

"Minion! Wow … Hi!" She smiled, finding she'd missed the fish too, albeit in a somewhat different way. "C'mon in." She unchained the door and pulled it open to admit the amazing alien.

They naturally gravitated to the island bar of her kitchen as she poured another cup of coffee. "Can I get you anything, or ..." she looked conflicted, "... is this a less social than business call?"

Minion, too, looked conflicted. "Yes and no." He took in her hopeful expression and began to understand something about the dynamic between his ward and this Earthling. "You miss him too, don't you?" he asked softly.

Roxanne's eyes widened but all she could do was answer from her gut. "Yes … been trying to figure that out all morning." She turned a sad look toward the fish. "I really blew it, didn't I?" she asked, "I hurt his feelings … bruised his ego." She looked at the tile under her mug. "And he doesn't want anything more to do with me, does he."

Minion looked perplexed. "Actually, he said something when I broke him out of jail that sort of tipped his hand." He had the curious woman's attention. "It took quite a bit of coercion to convince him to come back to the lair. He wanted me to go back alone, said he'd call me if he wanted out. He said it's not the same without you, and that he daren't touch you, he couldn't be trusted. Then he tried to pretend that he hadn't said anything. I think he's upset that he allowed himself to lose his temper and hurt you."

Roxanne blinked. "Hurt me? That's the problem?" The small alien bowed his body in a nod. "I'm not a china doll, I have plenty of padding in that area … oh, sorry, TMI." She blushed without really knowing why. Then, she stood determinedly and said, "Minion … take me to him," then as an afterthought, she looked down and added, "after I change."

Megamind heard the Hudson come to a stop behind him and hailed his companion. "I hope you got jelly and custard filled, Minion." He froze as his chair turned to reveal Roxanne stepping out of the passenger side of the car, Minion pulling a blindfold off her head.

Minion headed off the tirade he could see his friend ready to fire. "I had her blindfolded the whole trip Sir, she cooperated because she really wants to talk with you and get all this unpleasantness out in the open where you can work it out."

He started to protest but his mind paired the sentence fragment "she really wants to talk with you" with the smile on her face as she walked his way. For a second he felt himself smiling in return and thought he should cover himself. He stood and began fiddling with the controls at the nearest panel. "Well, Miss Ritchi, we're hardly ready for company just now ..."

"Save it, Rocket Man," Roxanne said gently. "Look, I'm sorry for taking my frustrations of life out on you the way I did. It was my fault things escalated the way they did, and …" she rolled her eyes, embarrassed to admit it to him, "... gun-to-my-head, you didn't really hurt me. But, I made you bleed … did it leave a scar?" She had sidled close enough to run her hand over his temple, amazed it had healed flawlessly. She noticed a slight intake of breath from him at her touch, and seemingly not from pain.

The green eyes searched hers and he felt more ashamed of his actions than ever. He looked away and softly blurted out "I should never have lost control like that." He glanced back at her and away again. He was terrible at apologies.

Roxanne saw he was stuck for a way to save face. "Oh, come on, it was no big deal." Suddenly inspiration struck. "Maybe you'd feel better about it if we were even." With her left hand she pulled his cape aside, leaving his backside open to attack. Her right hand did just that, swooping in and smacking his butt hard. She was surprised just how much fun that was, especially watching him stand stock straight with his back arched from the force of her blow. She knew it was wicked but she let herself enjoy it. "Can't leave the other side out." Her hand swung back and gave the left cheek a sharp love tap. She looked up and was delighted to find his ears and facial cheeks tinged a fuchsia hue through the blue pigment. _Oh my gosh, that is about the cutest thing I've ever seen!_

The blushing villain gazed at her coyly over his shoulder. He bade the part of his mind that was laughing and braying_ Thank you ma'am, may I have another?! _to shut it down.

Roxanne smirked at him, feeling not a drop of shame. "Can we just get back to normal now?" she asked frankly.

Megamind finally let himself smile. "I think that would be best." Then a small frown as he checked himself, "But, we're honestly not ready for a whole kidnapping day, as such …"

Minion to the rescue. "Yes, Miss Ritchi, I think it would work better for everyone if we have more time to work up a good show, er, plan!" He set down the tray he'd carried into the room with coffee service and some donuts. "If you'd like to share Sir &amp; I's midday snack, I can take you home after." He looked thoughtful and added "Unless you two had some 'nosy reporter skulks about the lair for clues' scenario you'd like to play out while you're here …" In his peripheral vision he could see both humanoids blushing and smiled. This could get complicated, but it certainly was fun to watch.

Roxanne took a donut and noticed a black gloved hand taking one too. He smiled a bit and bumped his donut to hers like clinking glasses. The reporter let herself smile back and for the first time embraced the notion that even this casual snacktime would be more fun because Wayne wouldn't be butting in on them.


End file.
